In 2010. Cancer had come back, and I was in the later rounds of chemo. Months of being sick, burning pain; Hairless, implanted tubes directly into my veins making me unable to shower for weeks at time. Unable to stand, most likely close to some form of death.
You have time to think, often, and it’s not usually positive things sitting top of mind.
One of the things I kept thinking about was music. I had given up, abandoned what had moved me my entire first 20 years of life on Earth. My expression, my passion, my creativity. So I had vowed, in my bed that if I could beat that demon cancer I would get back to music.
See, every time I perform now-a-days I know I am on borrowed time. It is a gift that I am able to be up there, and I know deep inside no matter what happens, I am living something that I made a promise to myself to accomplish in the darkest of times. No matter how short this life ends up being, I did not give in to the fear of musical failure.
Anyways, in 2011 I began to take music much more seriously. Hopefully began to grow into my skin, my voice. For my life prior to then, I had a different way of looking at music. I never heard the flaws in my songs cause they were only ever ideas waiting to be snatched up by someone who cared and would help transform them into what they could be. Somehow I was looking for people that could see what could be and help create that dream, partners in crime. But now, after realizing you can’t place your dreams in others, I began to grow into myself, and since then have been working constantly to be whatever concept of the best me I can be.
Anywhoo, all this for some context. Here is a smattering of music from my childhood. A mix of around 150 songs I had written mostly from my teen years. These were done on old Tascam 4-tracks, 80s era boom boxes, and fledgling versions of the new fangled Cubase digital recording software. Growing older, it’s really nice to be able to become comfortable with the imperfections of youth, and now, I am wholly proud of these regardless of their shortcomings.